THE MIGHTY DRUNK HAVE FALLEN!

Well, it finally happened. I was pulled over Saturday night on my way back from dinner and charged with DUI. However, I was totally innocent...at least on this particular occasion.

I met a couple of friends at Little Italy for some outstanding food. I believe I had 3 glasses of wine over the course of our 2 hour dinner. So it's about 9:00 and I'm heading home. Since I live downtown I have to drive through the 'party central' areas of Nashville. When I turned down Church street passing by all the Vandy hotspots, a Metro officer leaving a parking lot pulled out in front of me without looking. I honked my horn and raised my hands up saying "What the hell dude?" Baddabing Baddaboom, blue lights come on. So I pulled over, a little ticked off, and he tells me he pulled me over for speeding. The unjust conversation proceeds:

ME: What can I do for you officer?

Loser Cop: I pulled you over because you were speeding.

ME: You're not pulling me over because I honked at you for darting out in front of me without looking?

I know...I have no idea why I felt the need to smart mouth an already pissed off police officer. This is not going well. I can feel my fighting Irish spirit rising. Damn, I'm turning into my father.

Loser Cop: That's got nothing to do with it. You been drinking?

ME: Sir I had wine with dinner, here's my to-go bag right here. Just came from Little Italy and I'm on my way home.

Loser Cop: Step out of the car.

At this juncture my attitude quickly changed from wise ass, although-I-was-right citizen, to 'Holy shit' I'm heading to the big house.

Loser Cop: Let's do some sobriety tests.

Now here I must interject that I truly was not impaired. I had 3 glasses of wine with a big bowl of pasta, AND BREAD I might add. I was not even slightly buzzed much less impaired. Not to say I have never driven home when I shouldn't have, but this time I really was fine.

After the finger-to-nose test, and the stand on one leg test, both passed with flying colors, he gets to the walk-the-line test.

Loser Cop: Step over on the curb and walk along this seam in the concrete since that's a straight line.

ME: Oh now c'mon that's uneven pavement, we're on an uphill slant, and that curb is way too narrow. That's like walking on a crooked balance beam. Plus I wear size 12 shoes, my shoe is hanging over the edge!

Loser Cop: If you'd like I can note that you refused the test.

ME: Okay okay, sorry. I'll take the test.

I managed to complete this test, admittedly shaky, but I didn't fall into the street.

Loser Cop: It's my opinion that you are impaired.

ME: What?? Which part of these tests do you feel I didn't complete successfully?

Loser Cop: That's my call. Hands behind your back.

ME: (my last final plea) Officer please, I'm sorry but I truly am not impaired. I live downtown and I just want to go home. I'm not going out anywhere else, I just want to go home.
Loser Cop: Hands behind your back.

From that point on I was the nicest guy on the planet. I was released that night, without having to post any bond, just promised to show up for court. So I guess it could have been worse. Our corporate lawyer has already said he will get this thrown out without any trouble at all. Also I've talked with a couple of other officers I know and they both said this guy has a reputation for writing BS tickets. Both said I won't have any trouble beating the charges.

My court date is on 11/26. If all goes well and I am able to get all this thrown out with no smudges on my record, I'm going to go out and party like....

Wait, nevermind.