SNEETCHES ON BEACHES

I've always loved the Dr. Suess books, and one of my favorites is The Sneetches. I believe if people really stopped to think about this story and how silly the story is, and how the Sneetches were worrying about dissimilarities that really had no significant meaning whatsoever, the world would be a better place.

The story is basically this...Some are star-bellied sneetches, and some have "no stars on thars". The star-bellied Sneetches look down on those without the stars. They don't invite them to parties, they laugh at and loathe the no-star Sneetches for no real reason other than the abscence of the star. The star-bellies are "the best Sneetches on the beaches."

So one day a chappie named Sylvester McMonkey McBean rolls into town. He has a contraption that will put stars on the bellies of the downtrodden no-star-havin' Sneetches. Of course they fall over themselves to pay McBean to put the stars on their bellies so they can be like the other Sneetches, be popular and accepted. Well then the star-bellied Sneetches get mad and decide the stars are not the way to go so McBean offers to remove their stars for a fee. They all pay to remove their stars and decree the no-star Sneetches are the best on the beaches. This goes on and on until they are all mixed up and no one really remembers who was with or without the star and they really can't say which is better....

"Then, when every last cent of their money was spent, the Fix-It-Up-Chappie packed up and he went. And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach, 'They never will learn. No, you can't teach a Sneetch!'

But McBean was quite wrong, I'm quite happy to say, the Sneetches got quite a bit smarter that day. That day, they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches, and no kind of Sneetch is the BEST on the beaches. That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars, and whether they had one or not upon thars."

Why do some people feel the need to insist they are the best Sneetches on the beaches? Religion, race, sexual orientation, age, income, political views, etc... So many stars we have upon ours! The Sneetches had ONE difference and it was a huge issue. We have many differences and to my knowledge we have yet to conquer one. Sylvester McMonkey McBean would be making a fortune off of us.

Here is a thought. What if we were not separated into countries and different ethnic groups and different groups in general. What if we were all just considered earthlings. We had no animosity towards other earthlings, perhaps only to non-earthlings...Venusians, Martians, Klingons, Darth Vaders, etc. What if all humans on earth worked as one to build a better society and advance further than our neighboring planets and galaxies, and even those planets and galaxies you and I have never even heard of. What could we have become if all our brain power was focused on bettering the Earth instead of separating ourselves from each other. Then what if we even took it a step further to have one galaxy. One galaxy learning, growing, evolving, without the conflicts over who has stars and who doesn't. I should think there are enough stars out there for everyone to enjoy.

Me, I'd be happy just being a Sneetch on a beach...Star or no star down thar.

PEACE

NOAH'S ARe you Kidding me?

Today I heard one of my all time favorite songs from the 60's by Zager & Evans. To me it's poignant lyrics and haunting melody tell the forboding story of our future. The song is basically a metaphor for man's desperate pursuit of technological and medical advancement which ultimately leads to the implosion of mankind, starting a new chapter in the evolutionary story. Personally, I am not sure it will take as long as the song predicts. While I think that is imminent, Christians supposedly do not believe God will ever 'start over'. The Bible tells the story of Noah and God's disgust of man up to that point, so he flooded all the world and started over...then God swears he will never do that again no matter how corrupt and vile a species man becomes. Even though Christians believe God will 'never do that again', they continue to talk about the 2nd coming and being saved and taken out of here before God destroys the earth and it becomes hell. I don't know, sounds a bit contradictory to me, but nonetheless.

I read the story of Noah and here is how it goes from what I derived...God is fed up with the world and decides man is too rotten to live any longer. God says Noah and his family are the only good people left on the planet so he has to gather two of everything, and after the 40 day/night storm, and the flood waters dry up, he will need to plant and replenish all things; animal, vegetable, and mineral. After it's all over and they are on dry land, Noah plants a vineyard. Grapes come to fruition and Noah gets hammered on wine, passes out drunk and naked, and his son Ham finds him. Ham runs to get his two brothers who enter the room by backing in with a sheet to cover Noah, their father, so they won't see him naked. When Noah comes to, hungover and apparently quite cranky, he finds out Ham saw him naked and condemns him to be a slave to his brothers for all eternity. Talk about your mean drunk! Some theologians believe that 'to see your fathers nakedness' actually means to 'have sex with your fathers wife.' Given there were a maximum of 4 couples on the ark, all related, someone was lovin' someone's father's wife. They shared an ark for about a year. After an entire year in this ark, no one saw anyone else naked? C'mon. I'm not sure about either theory but to me, if that group was the best bunch of people God could find to begin life anew for all earth's time, I think he would have been better off just giving the whole world a bath and sending down another alleged Adam & Eve. Like shaking an Etch-a-Sketch. If you're gonna start the drawing over, then START OVER for cryin' out loud!

However, all sardonic comments aside, the song is pretty accurate of life and current goals in this day and age. A pill for everything, taken by old and young, men women and children, and computers doing jobs men used to do. Here are the lyrics...

in the year 2525
if man is still alive
if woman can survive
they may find...

in the year 3535
ain't gonna need to tell the truth tell no lies
everything you think do and say
is in the pill you took today

in the year 4545
ain't gonna need your teeth won't need your eyes
you won't find a thing to chew
nobody's gonna look at you

in the year 5555
your arms are hanging limp at your sides
your legs got nothing to do
some machines doing that for you

in the year 6565
ain't gonna need no husband won't need no wife
you'll pick your son pick your daughter too
from the bottom of a long glass tube

in the year 7510
if God's a-comin' he ought to make it by then
maybe he'll look around himself and say
"guess it's time for the Judgement Day"

in the year 8510
God is gonna shake his mighty head
he'll either say "I'm pleased where man has been''
or tear it down and start again

in the year 9595
I'm kinda wondering if man's gonna be alive
he's taken everything this old earth can give
and he ain't put back nothing...

now it's been 10,000 years
man has cried a billion tears
for what he never knew
now man's reign is through
but through the eternal night
the twinkling of starlightso very far away
maybe it's only yesterday...

YEP, I think that about sums it up! And now I probably need to go home and make sure my water-wings are inflated just in case it rains tonight.

PEACE

HILLARY 2008!

After last night's debates I am ready to back Hillary Clinton in the coming election. My father will undoubtedly disown me after reading this.

It is so refreshing to hear someone in politics speak articulately and with intelligent candor when asked a direct question. My blood boils every time a politician gives one of those canned answers that don't really answer anything. For example, Obama's response to the issuing of driver's licenses to illegal/undocumented immigrants. For me, this is a no-brainer. Americans can't get a driver's license without documentation, why in the world would we give a license so freely to illegal immigrants? Illegal's have it better than Americans. Hillary's response, a concise and simple "No". Obama rambled on with the same jargon they must teach in Politics 101... 'Well there are many things to consider in this issue and I oppose that which is not for the good of the people but will fight that which is considered a danger to our freedom in America', blah blah blah. Wolf Blitzer's response, "Senator this question can be answered with a simple yes or no."

At this point in time, I believe America looks aimless and ignorant. Bush is basically a redneck with a team of speech writers and strategists but has no voice of his own. When he does speak, the entire White House staff must be sitting with fingers crossed just hoping he doesn't say something too far out because they know they'll all be working overtime cleaning up the verbal diarrhea that is Geo Bush. His whole speaking persona is comparable to a defensive child trying to lie his way out of detention. I have ZERO respect for Bush or the current administration. Nada, nil, nothing. A big goose egg of a zero. I believe he is sustaining a needless war which is serving only his, and his team of evil minion's, monetary gain. Bush always runs to the Christian quotes du jour whenever he is pressed, leading middle America to believe he's just a simple man, but a Christian man, so that makes him okay. My parents view Bush like that kid down the street who was always on the wild side and then found Jesus. Now he's a pillar of strength but still has that stand-up-and-fight spirit and a magical elusive Christian mix in there to create some sort of über Christian President...An alleged leader with a simple hometown core belief system who only wants to 'take care of his neighborhood'. What a truck load of horse shit. How naive a nation we are to support and continue to employ this evil and sinister team of two-faced lying politicians. Bush Jr., if you really do believe in Christianity, then you also believe in Hell. So rest assured that for your actions as President you will no doubt be picked up in a fiery stretch limosine and whisked away to your own deluxe private suite at 444.6°C. And when the devil himself is in your ass, elbow deep, with a hot pitch fork, you screaming and crying "AN OLDER BOY TOLD ME TO DO IT!" won't cut the mustard.

I believe this presidency will go down in history as the 8 years that destroyed our nation. I watch the Bush countdown clock with eager anticipation, each second brings us that much closer to the end of a devastatingly damaging era in American History.

So kids, that's my position in the race thus far. Hillary Clinton for President! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

Sorry Dad. Say hi to Mom for me! :)

THE MIGHTY DRUNK HAVE FALLEN!

Well, it finally happened. I was pulled over Saturday night on my way back from dinner and charged with DUI. However, I was totally innocent...at least on this particular occasion.

I met a couple of friends at Little Italy for some outstanding food. I believe I had 3 glasses of wine over the course of our 2 hour dinner. So it's about 9:00 and I'm heading home. Since I live downtown I have to drive through the 'party central' areas of Nashville. When I turned down Church street passing by all the Vandy hotspots, a Metro officer leaving a parking lot pulled out in front of me without looking. I honked my horn and raised my hands up saying "What the hell dude?" Baddabing Baddaboom, blue lights come on. So I pulled over, a little ticked off, and he tells me he pulled me over for speeding. The unjust conversation proceeds:

ME: What can I do for you officer?

Loser Cop: I pulled you over because you were speeding.

ME: You're not pulling me over because I honked at you for darting out in front of me without looking?

I know...I have no idea why I felt the need to smart mouth an already pissed off police officer. This is not going well. I can feel my fighting Irish spirit rising. Damn, I'm turning into my father.

Loser Cop: That's got nothing to do with it. You been drinking?

ME: Sir I had wine with dinner, here's my to-go bag right here. Just came from Little Italy and I'm on my way home.

Loser Cop: Step out of the car.

At this juncture my attitude quickly changed from wise ass, although-I-was-right citizen, to 'Holy shit' I'm heading to the big house.

Loser Cop: Let's do some sobriety tests.

Now here I must interject that I truly was not impaired. I had 3 glasses of wine with a big bowl of pasta, AND BREAD I might add. I was not even slightly buzzed much less impaired. Not to say I have never driven home when I shouldn't have, but this time I really was fine.

After the finger-to-nose test, and the stand on one leg test, both passed with flying colors, he gets to the walk-the-line test.

Loser Cop: Step over on the curb and walk along this seam in the concrete since that's a straight line.

ME: Oh now c'mon that's uneven pavement, we're on an uphill slant, and that curb is way too narrow. That's like walking on a crooked balance beam. Plus I wear size 12 shoes, my shoe is hanging over the edge!

Loser Cop: If you'd like I can note that you refused the test.

ME: Okay okay, sorry. I'll take the test.

I managed to complete this test, admittedly shaky, but I didn't fall into the street.

Loser Cop: It's my opinion that you are impaired.

ME: What?? Which part of these tests do you feel I didn't complete successfully?

Loser Cop: That's my call. Hands behind your back.

ME: (my last final plea) Officer please, I'm sorry but I truly am not impaired. I live downtown and I just want to go home. I'm not going out anywhere else, I just want to go home.
Loser Cop: Hands behind your back.

From that point on I was the nicest guy on the planet. I was released that night, without having to post any bond, just promised to show up for court. So I guess it could have been worse. Our corporate lawyer has already said he will get this thrown out without any trouble at all. Also I've talked with a couple of other officers I know and they both said this guy has a reputation for writing BS tickets. Both said I won't have any trouble beating the charges.

My court date is on 11/26. If all goes well and I am able to get all this thrown out with no smudges on my record, I'm going to go out and party like....

Wait, nevermind.

HELL-OWEEN

Last night was All Hallows Eve. I stayed in with a good bottle of wine, built a nice fire, and ordered a pizza from Joey's. The ultimate trifecta for a primo evening.
I picked up the DVD of Spiderman 3. I enjoyed the first two so I thought this one would be awesome. If you've not seen the movie, READ NO FURTHER!

I loved the movie, the story, special effects, action, all good. However, after a great 2 + hours of Spidey action, we reach the end. Total let down. It was like the last 15 minutes of Old Yeller. All tears and emotion-laden deathbed speeches.
Throughout the film we learn the story of Flint Marko, the Sandman. Defining line, "I'm not a bad man, I've just had bad luck." Although on the wrong side of the law, he's fighting for his adorable daughter, who's dying, so you almost feel sympathy for him and his struggles. He is trying desperately to get the money for the obligatory lifesaving operation...come to think of it we never do learn what her illness is. Then we learn that Flint Marko actually killed Uncle Ben. Now the conflict comes in. It was okay with me when he was stealing to save his dying daughter, but Uncle Ben was killed years ago. So this guy has been 'having bad luck' for quite some time now. At the end, Flint confesses his crime to Peter and explains his reason, holding out the locket with his dying daughter's picture inside, and after a tediously tearful stare, Peter forgives him. Sandman gets his peace of mind, and his sand is scattered to the winds...leaving behind his dying daughter's locket. Peter sees it, stares at it, then swoops down to check on Harry...also dying. Another 10 minutes of goodbyes, sorry's, i love you's, etc. And he's gone. At that point I was pissed. Why not have Peter and Harry become a super team? I really didn't think he was going to die. But again, he has finally achieved peace of mind and enlightenment, so he's outta there. Stan Lee must be a Buddhist.
The best death was Venom, Topher Grace...whom I don't really care for on a good day. So when Venom bites the dust, I actually yelled out "YESSSS!!!"
So MJ and Peter, and Aunt May, live on to fight another day and another host of villains. The questionably noble Sandman wasn't quite turned to the good side, he's dead. Venom...no hope for him, dead. Harry...turned to the good side, but dead.
So now the only sequel options I can come up with at present are:
1. Aunt May accidentally swallows a moth and harnesses the power to regenerate herself over and over by repeatedly pupating into her bullet proof cocoon and emerging as a young and beautiful butterfly, with killer fire-breathing powers, but she still wears Uncle Ben's ring.
2. Peter and MJ have a conflict about his Spiderman powers. He's depressed and wants MJ to lock him in a bathroom with a Raid Fogger to kill off the Spider inside him. MJ wants Peter to bite her and give her the Spidey powers...the family that webs together, etc. The climax would come when their argument reached it's heightened frenzy with Peter yelling at MJ, "FOG ME" and MJ yelling at Peter, "BITE ME!". "FOG ME!!" "BITE ME!!!!"
3. The dying asthmatic daughter of the Sandman decides to avenge her father's killer...Spiderman. She radioactively charges her oxygen tank and she is able to ride it like a witches broom, lighting it on fire for turbo boosts...and she inhales it constantly and it acts as helium making her sound like a deranged munchkin from Wizard of Oz. Her weapon, a locket with her childhood picture, that transforms into a grim-reaper-style sickle...but still with her childhood picture emblazened on the front.
Me, I'll take option 3. C'mon, a deranged munchkin with an oxygen tank that's on fire, wielding a sickle with her childhood picture on it? That's some scary shit.